


Hating Love

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Begging, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 02:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Yuri watched him.Yuri always watched him.He had started doing that when he was just a twelve years old kid, and never like now he had felt as if he had gotten back to those years, when he knew nothing was ever going to happen, when he felt constantly hurt by those attentions Yuya couldn’t have for him.





	Hating Love

Yuri watched him.

Yuri always watched him.

He had started doing that when he was just a twelve years old kid, and never like now he had felt as if he had gotten back to those years, when he knew nothing was ever going to happen, when he felt constantly hurt by those attentions Yuya couldn’t have for him.

He remembered with extreme clearness the moment the elder had said yes, he remembered how his lips tasted that day, he remembered his scent, he remembered every detail of that feeling, of having his hands on him for the first time in a different way.

He remembered how happy he had felt, and how that happiness had left traces on him he could still perceive.

In a less precise way he could bring to mind more recent events, and whenever he wondered why his answer was always the same.

His mind tried to protect him from those memories, it tried to convince him it was all his imagination, but that hadn’t changed anything.

Yuya had grown apart, slowly and inexorably.

And now, in front of him, Yuri felt his heart beating fast as if it was trying to break through his chest, and he kept watching the elder and waiting, while he looked less and less willing to start talking.

“So?” he spurred him, tense. “You said you needed to talk to me, right Yuuyan?”

He bit his tongue, feeling a sudden and inexplicable need to cry.

Takaki got closer, wrapping his fingers around his wrist, taking his hand and softly starting to brush its back with his fingertips.

He wasn’t looking into his eyes, and all Chinen wanted right now was for him to do just that, to look at him so that he could’ve searched for signs into those eyes, something telling him it was going to be okay.

But Yuya’s mind was far away, and Yuri knew there was going to be nothing into those eyes to make him feel any better than this.

“I’ve slept with Hikaru.” the elder murmured then, letting go of his wrist all of a sudden, staring straight at the floor.

It took Yuri a while to understand.

His ears had listened, and his mind was now struggling to keep the meaning of those words outside, to protect him from the pain they were going to cause, but it was a lost battle.

Because Yuri, after all, knew.

He had seen how the two of them had slowly grown closer again, he had seen how Hikaru’s attitude toward him had changed.

He had seen a different kind of happiness in Yuya, a happiness he hadn’t caused.

He looked around, lost, and the elder’s apartment looked different than a few moments before.

As if he knew he wasn’t going to see it again, as if it was a place where he didn’t belong anymore.

“Ok.” he murmured, the words coming out on their own, leaving him no room for manoeuvre. “That’s fine, it’s... it’s alright. Mistakes happen, what matters is that you told me, isn't it?” he asked, hopeful.

And he hated himself for that hope, and he got sick at himself for what he had just said.

Because he should’ve yelled, tell him he didn’t deserve it, that he despised him for having done something like that to him.

But Yuya, even though involuntarily, had always been good at making Yuri let him walk all over his dignity.

Chinen took a step closer, hesitating, as if deciding if he wanted to have him closer.

And he wanted, actually, he wanted to crawl up into his arms, let Yuya soothe him, he who was the sole cause of his pain, cry against his chest and wallow inside that familiar hold.

But Takaki stopped him before he could do anything.

He finally raised his eyes, and Yuri knew it was really over.

“It wasn’t a mistake, Yuri. I...” he brushed a hand over his eyes, and Yuri saw his eyes were dead serious. “I want to be with him. It’s him I... well...” he stopped, but the younger didn’t have to make too much of an effort to understand how it went on.

“You love him?” he murmured, and those words emptied him.

As if his heart had stopped beating, as if he needed to struggle to do something as easy as breathing.

He was about to panic and he felt that, and Yuya nodding and confirming didn’t help at all.

And so Yuri crumbled.

He felt tears streaming down his face; he couldn’t remember when it had been the last time he had cried, and once again he cursed himself for having broken down like that.

There was nothing healthy in his relationship with Yuya, there had never been.

He had always felt attracted to him more than he liked, but that feeling of inadequacy had soon left room for a love so intense that he had almost forgotten having always felt so uncomfortable for that love.

He wrapped his arms around the elder’s waist, unconcerned with how inappropriate it was.

And, as he had been wanting from the moment he had stepped inside that apartment, as he had bene wanting to do in days, he held him tight and cried, and to hell with that dignity he hadn’t owned from the day he had first realized he loved him.

“Don’t push me away.” he murmured. “Think about whomever you want, think I'm Hikaru if you want, but don’t push me away. Not now.”

Yuya didn’t reply, and did as asked. He brought his arms around his shoulders, softly caressing his head, repeating times and times again he was sorry, a continuous chant that did nothing to ease the pain Yuri was feeling right now.

“You belong with me, Yuya.” he said. “You were... you told me you were going to be with me. forever. That you didn’t care about Hikaru anymore, that he had hurt you, that I had made you forget what you had once felt for him. Were you mine then? Because now...” he bit down hard on his tongue to keep himself from sobbing.

Takaki looked crushed by that attack, as if he had hoped he was going to have to face his hatred, and not explain why he had done what he had done.

“I didn’t choose it, Yu. It’s happened, and I realized that maybe... it had never gone away. Not completely.”

It was the final blow for Yuri.

He loosened the hold on the elder’s body, backing off and looking at him as if he didn’t recognize him.

“Tell me you loved me, Yuya. Even for a short while, tell me there have been moments when you truly loved me.”

But Takaki kept quiet, and to Yuri it was the worst sound he had ever heard.

He stopped crying and nodded briefly.

He turned, headed to the door, hearing Yuya’s steps following him, save stopping half way.

He wasn’t expecting him to follow, but he had hoped it.

He had hoped to hear him say it was all a joke, that it wasn’t true he loved Hikaru, that he loved him and he was going to for the rest of his life, just like he had promised.

But when he closed the door to Yuya’s apartment behind his back the elder wasn’t there, and he knew he was never going to be anymore.

If Yuri thought about how much he had had to struggle to have him, how much he had sacrificed to be with him, and how happy he had felt the moment Takaki had told him for the first time he loved him, he felt the pain in his chest grow so sharp to prevent him from breathing.

Desire, ask, believe, receive.

And then lose it all and realize it had been an illusion, that during all that time he had been convinced he mattered to Yuya, and now he had to come to terms with the fact he had been lying to himself to feel better.

 _You belong with me_ and it had never been true.

Because now all those moments spent together, every night he had spent next to him, everything seemed to lose its importance as if he had only imagined and not lived it.

And what weighed on him the most was that he couldn’t bring himself to hate him for what he had done, for the way he had toyed with his feelings, the way he had walked all over them.

Yuri felt used.

Used, consumed and then thrown away, useless.

Yet he still loved Yuya.

Of a love that didn’t fit him but that was there nonetheless, that he could still feel beating in the middle of the ruins inside of him, as if it was both what had destroyed him and what was going to help him put together again the torn pieces of his heart.

He was going to love him forever.


End file.
